Scene Analysis

    Last night after the boys went to bed (even the big one) I finally had an hour to wind down before bed by watching television. I sat down on the couch next to my husband with a glass of wine and decided apparently, the best thing for me to do  with long awaited relaxing moment was to fill it up with conversation. A friend of mine has been sharing some information with me recently about a PhD program which I have gotten really interested in. 

One of my personal struggles in my marriage is that I feel that I am not getting enough support to pursue my dreams. I would like to learn to meet my need for personal and proffessional growth in ways that allow me to feel that I am still engaging for my family. As a thinking woman who also values family, it is a constant battle not to become bitter and feel trapped by the limitations I feel my marriage (not to be confused with mamahood conflicts) has placed on my personal development. I have noticed that many of the marriage books I have been reading recently focus on communication. One pattern that seems to be emerging is that after I read these books our marriage may get better temporarily in that we argue less, however I am still for some reason left feeling angry and distant from my spouse. 

 My husband nodded and appeared supportive but said little . I decided to take the conversation further in an attempt to "draw" him out. I wanted to talk about shared goals, and things that we could think of doing or working toward together rather than just focusing on myself so much.  Here's a short clip from that conversation.

Me: What is your plan for our future?

Him:  I would like to continue working, get a better position at a better company.

Me: Do you have any other goals?

Him:  What do you mean?

Me: Personal goals?  

Him: Guys don't really think like that.

Me: Huh?

From this conversation I was able to identify two barriers to creating a shared identity

1. My inablity to shut my blabber mouth and let my husband watch a  well earned television show in peace.
2. A lack of shared goals.

I decided to do some research  on this topic (much better than matching up all those poor sad socks in my sock basket).

Here's what I learned from the Marry Blogger

• Goals should be created seperately and then combined
• Goals should be divided into pre determined categories (i.e. education/career, health and fitness, things to try/do, and financial)
• Goals should be challenging and specific.
• Consciously applying some of the same principals that I use in personal growth and development can also benefit my marriage