Scene Analysis

    Last night after the boys went to bed (even the big one) I finally had an hour to wind down before bed by watching television. I sat down on the couch next to my husband with a glass of wine and decided apparently, the best thing for me to do  with long awaited relaxing moment was to fill it up with conversation. A friend of mine has been sharing some information with me recently about a PhD program which I have gotten really interested in. 

One of my personal struggles in my marriage is that I feel that I am not getting enough support to pursue my dreams. I would like to learn to meet my need for personal and proffessional growth in ways that allow me to feel that I am still engaging for my family. As a thinking woman who also values family, it is a constant battle not to become bitter and feel trapped by the limitations I feel my marriage (not to be confused with mamahood conflicts) has placed on my personal development. I have noticed that many of the marriage books I have been reading recently focus on communication. One pattern that seems to be emerging is that after I read these books our marriage may get better temporarily in that we argue less, however I am still for some reason left feeling angry and distant from my spouse. 

 My husband nodded and appeared supportive but said little . I decided to take the conversation further in an attempt to "draw" him out. I wanted to talk about shared goals, and things that we could think of doing or working toward together rather than just focusing on myself so much.  Here's a short clip from that conversation.

Me: What is your plan for our future?

Him:  I would like to continue working, get a better position at a better company.

Me: Do you have any other goals?

Him:  What do you mean?

Me: Personal goals?  

Him: Guys don't really think like that.

Me: Huh?

From this conversation I was able to identify two barriers to creating a shared identity

1. My inablity to shut my blabber mouth and let my husband watch a  well earned television show in peace.
2. A lack of shared goals.

I decided to do some research  on this topic (much better than matching up all those poor sad socks in my sock basket).

Here's what I learned from the Marry Blogger

• Goals should be created seperately and then combined
• Goals should be divided into pre determined categories (i.e. education/career, health and fitness, things to try/do, and financial)
• Goals should be challenging and specific.
• Consciously applying some of the same principals that I use in personal growth and development can also benefit my marriage

In a word

After I woke up, shoved my contact lenses in protesting eyes,  and dutifully slammed down one carefully measured cup of Irish Oatmeal while driving the children to school in time for my 11 year old to get to Safety Patrol duty, my mind was finally awake enough for me to consider last night's post. Sitting on I-35 as I commute in my mini van gives me plenty of time to smugly drink coffee, shake my head condescendingly at the people sitting in breakfast line at the McDonald's drive thru, and simultaneously feel  like an intellectual while listening to NPR.  My mind wondered off for a short while during Morning Edition and I began to think about two things:


1. The Screaming Enchilada Fit I had yesterday
2. Why was  the writing of that post last night such a struggle?


     While I know my screaming Enchilad Fit sounds much more entertaining, I decided to follow my wondering thoughts down the road of last night's post.  One of the really basic issues that came up for me was the struggle with the use of the pronoun "we". 
    So this brings me to the idea of creating a shared couple identity. One of the blogs I follow is Brian and Trula , a blog about a couple in Ohio, who have gone through marriage struggles and come out on the other side. I notice that a few years ago, Trula started making an effort to compile a series of gorgeous photos of herself and her husband together. For me, this was really symbolic of "WE", and showed a conscious effort on her part to create a sense of identity for herself and her husband as a couple. I have read any marriage book I can get my hands on, and many of the books mention the idea of finding a shared hobby. My husband and I (still not  there yet with the WE thing), have really struggled with this,because of being so different as far as our interests. I think the point behind this is to work towards WE.  Maybe more important than having a hobby, is to have a shared goal and vision.  
I am left with the following questions:

• What are the barriers to creating a couple identity-a WE?
• Is the Screaming Enchilada Fit really worth writing or thinking about?
• Is it actually possible that traffic was so bad that when I rolled my window down on the highway I could smell stinky cologne coming from the guy in the car next to me?
• What things do we have to build on to create a couple identity?
• What kind of couple identity do the other couples that I admire have?
• Am I failing at this marriage because I gave my husband one word answers again today just because I am not a morning person?
• Even though there is not supposed to be a score system, how many "points" should I give my husband for waking up before me and taking  my oldest son to school three days in a row?
• Hmm.. he is probably listening to NPR right now, should I count that as a WE?
• Is that oatmeal really going to help me lose weight?
• How do I draw the line between WE and being the kind of couple who wears matching shirts?

 More on the Screaming Enchilada Fit later.  I would love some  ideas on couples identity....On that note does anyone have any thoughts on the idea of WE? Is a shared identity necessary? If so can it be created? Should you already have so much in common and be so in love you automatically have a couples identity? Is there a difference between codependency, controlling behavior, and couples identity?

Clumsy Courage

          I am a momma, educator, wife,  and occasional writer/essayist living in South Texas.  I like to think of myself as an undercover nonconformist stuck in the suburbs.  This is my blog of my marriage journey. The overwhelming tightness in my chest as I type, leaves me with an unfamiliar feeling of clumsiness with language , that only writing about the most deeply personal can evoke.  I can only conclude that I have more work to do in being truly reflective on the marriage, because even looking closely at it without the familiar crutches of a therapist chair, or more likely a dear friend's sympathetic ear at the end of the phone line are enough to thoroughly unnerve me this evening as I write this first post. Reading over it has me cringeing and leaves me feeling less like a writer and more  like I did when I was a cynical young adult embarassed as I read back over my old middle school journals. In the end though, the most important part of both writing and couples work is showing up...

Where to start?

         I was a teen mom, and my husband and I married in college.  As we approach our 15th year of marriage, I find that our relationship continues to struggle and has very recently reached a point of crisis.   We have three amazing boys and  it is my deepest prayer to keep their family intact.  I can honestly and painfully say that I am not certain where this journey will end.

        The journey inside a marriage is a deeply personal one, but one that affects so many more people than the two that are in it.  As with many couples, an unfortunate casualty of our poor communication is that through the course of the marriage we have each caused possibly irreperable damage to our relationships with each others friends and family. I believe that in order to make our relationship and our family successful we must first break this cycle. My personal goal  for this writing excercise is to become more confident and independent in my thinking about relationships. I hope to do this as I reflect on my marriage and  take more responsibility for my own feelings that arise as I work through it.  My goal for my family is to provide my boys with a feeling  of security and to demonstrate the love we each have for them. I believe that no matter what road my marriage takes, taking responsibility for my own feelings and working on  my personal development and communication can never be a mistake. 

     Eban, or "fence" is the Adinkra symbol for safety and security. The home to the Akan is a special place. A home which has a fence around it is considered to be an ideal residence. The fence symbolically separates and secures the family from the outside. Because of the security and the protection that a fence affords, the symbol is also associated with the security and safety one finds in love.

-- from The Adinkra Dictionary