1. The Screaming Enchilada Fit I had yesterday
2. Why was the writing of that post last night such a struggle?
While I know my screaming Enchilad Fit sounds much more entertaining, I decided to follow my wondering thoughts down the road of last night's post. One of the really basic issues that came up for me was the struggle with the use of the pronoun "we".
So this brings me to the idea of creating a shared couple identity. One of the blogs I follow is Brian and Trula , a blog about a couple in Ohio, who have gone through marriage struggles and come out on the other side. I notice that a few years ago, Trula started making an effort to compile a series of gorgeous photos of herself and her husband together. For me, this was really symbolic of "WE", and showed a conscious effort on her part to create a sense of identity for herself and her husband as a couple. I have read any marriage book I can get my hands on, and many of the books mention the idea of finding a shared hobby. My husband and I (still not there yet with the WE thing), have really struggled with this,because of being so different as far as our interests. I think the point behind this is to work towards WE. Maybe more important than having a hobby, is to have a shared goal and vision.
I am left with the following questions:
- What are the barriers to creating a couple identity-a WE?
- Is the Screaming Enchilada Fit really worth writing or thinking about?
- Is it actually possible that traffic was so bad that when I rolled my window down on the highway I could smell stinky cologne coming from the guy in the car next to me?
- What things do we have to build on to create a couple identity?
- What kind of couple identity do the other couples that I admire have?
- Am I failing at this marriage because I gave my husband one word answers again today just because I am not a morning person?
- Even though there is not supposed to be a score system, how many "points" should I give my husband for waking up before me and taking my oldest son to school three days in a row?
- Hmm.. he is probably listening to NPR right now, should I count that as a WE?
- Is that oatmeal really going to help me lose weight?
- How do I draw the line between WE and being the kind of couple who wears matching shirts?
More on the Screaming Enchilada Fit later. I would love some ideas on couples identity....On that note does anyone have any thoughts on the idea of WE? Is a shared identity necessary? If so can it be created? Should you already have so much in common and be so in love you automatically have a couples identity? Is there a difference between codependency, controlling behavior, and couples identity?
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ReplyDeleteI should have left a comment this morning instead of sending a message- i needed to come back anyway because there are so many questions!
ReplyDeleteTo define WE would be like trying to define "family" today, wouldn't it?
When I think of the couples that I admire and what connects them or makes their WE, I see that it is not the same for all of them. For some it is spiritual, intellectual, or a passion like music- in others, it is perhaps a quality they see in the other that they do not themselves have- what I know they all have in common is that they all have struggled and fought for their marriages and have overcome- it is about growth, isn't it? how you manage to allow personal growth, extend acceptance, etc.
That is what I (or dare I say WE?:) wish, hope, and strive for in my marriage. Sasha, I do not have the answers but am willing to hash it out here at eban journey
Thank you for your thoughts on this and helping me to clarify my thinking on this. I like the idea of expanding my thoughts on what WE should look like. Ah...that allowing for personal growth thing, is a tricky one.
ReplyDeleteI was watching an episode of Oprah the other day and she was talking to a woman that had gone through a bad marriage. The theme of that particular segment was "loosing yourself in the marriage". I thought it was interesting that Oprah felt as though she was qualified to comment on the subject. I have contemplated this thought many times before in my marriage. "Have I lost myself", "Where is that spunky little bright-eyed girl of days gone by","Why must we always shape our lives around him?" At that very moment I was drawn to something an old college friend said to me the day before, "Your husband says, you pick out his clothes, and that if it weren't for you, he'd walk around looking like a hillbilly!" The entire thing generated a gut wrenching belly laugh. It was at that moment that I realized that the my husband had changed for the sake of this marriage as well. If may have been selfish of me to think that he had not given up a small piece of himself the way that I had as well. I then focused on everything that my husband had once done, that drove me crazy, that he no longer did. The list continually got longer and longer.
ReplyDeleteWe are actively creating the "WE". It doesn't happen overnight. It happens a little at a time; like your children growing. You will look up one day and you will be finishing each others sentences. For now we interrupt each others sentences because everyone is trying to steal a little bit of the spot light. In a family of five, you have to take what you can get. But one day, the rooms will be quiet and there will be a point where you are sick and tired of watching TV; instead of today, where TV is our refuge.
You are creating the WE. It is like when you tell your children to pick up their clothes, "don't leave that on the floor...it costs a fortune and money doesn't grow on trees!" You don't wake up the next day and think that you will never have to say it again, because surely they saw the frustration in your face and the tired in your eyes. No, you will rise the next day and force them into the car, yell about the clothes on the floor, shovel that blasted oatmeal down your throat, and drag your weary butt to Zumba. Slowly and surely you are creating that family single people daydream about and the WE that 30-something year old single women cry about.
And I will be there to hold your hand, walk down the beach and say, "I told you so!"