I am a momma, educator, wife, and occasional writer/essayist living in South Texas. I like to think of myself as an undercover nonconformist stuck in the suburbs. This is my blog of my marriage journey. The overwhelming tightness in my chest as I type, leaves me with an unfamiliar feeling of clumsiness with language , that only writing about the most deeply personal can evoke. I can only conclude that I have more work to do in being truly reflective on the marriage, because even looking closely at it without the familiar crutches of a therapist chair, or more likely a dear friend's sympathetic ear at the end of the phone line are enough to thoroughly unnerve me this evening as I write this first post. Reading over it has me cringeing and leaves me feeling less like a writer and more like I did when I was a cynical young adult embarassed as I read back over my old middle school journals. In the end though, the most important part of both writing and couples work is showing up...
Where to start?
I was a teen mom, and my husband and I married in college. As we approach our 15th year of marriage, I find that our relationship continues to struggle and has very recently reached a point of crisis. We have three amazing boys and it is my deepest prayer to keep their family intact. I can honestly and painfully say that I am not certain where this journey will end.
The journey inside a marriage is a deeply personal one, but one that affects so many more people than the two that are in it. As with many couples, an unfortunate casualty of our poor communication is that through the course of the marriage we have each caused possibly irreperable damage to our relationships with each others friends and family. I believe that in order to make our relationship and our family successful we must first break this cycle. My personal goal for this writing excercise is to become more confident and independent in my thinking about relationships. I hope to do this as I reflect on my marriage and take more responsibility for my own feelings that arise as I work through it. My goal for my family is to provide my boys with a feeling of security and to demonstrate the love we each have for them. I believe that no matter what road my marriage takes, taking responsibility for my own feelings and working on my personal development and communication can never be a mistake.
Where to start?
I was a teen mom, and my husband and I married in college. As we approach our 15th year of marriage, I find that our relationship continues to struggle and has very recently reached a point of crisis. We have three amazing boys and it is my deepest prayer to keep their family intact. I can honestly and painfully say that I am not certain where this journey will end.
The journey inside a marriage is a deeply personal one, but one that affects so many more people than the two that are in it. As with many couples, an unfortunate casualty of our poor communication is that through the course of the marriage we have each caused possibly irreperable damage to our relationships with each others friends and family. I believe that in order to make our relationship and our family successful we must first break this cycle. My personal goal for this writing excercise is to become more confident and independent in my thinking about relationships. I hope to do this as I reflect on my marriage and take more responsibility for my own feelings that arise as I work through it. My goal for my family is to provide my boys with a feeling of security and to demonstrate the love we each have for them. I believe that no matter what road my marriage takes, taking responsibility for my own feelings and working on my personal development and communication can never be a mistake.
Eban, or "fence" is the Adinkra symbol for safety and security. The home to the Akan is a special place. A home which has a fence around it is considered to be an ideal residence. The fence symbolically separates and secures the family from the outside. Because of the security and the protection that a fence affords, the symbol is also associated with the security and safety one finds in love.-- from The Adinkra Dictionary
No words for the feelings that are invoked by your words. I too love my boys and wish them the best in their lives, now and in the future. I have not been the best father that they deserve nor have I been the best father that I can be. I also have not been the best husband, supporter, friend, listener, and most importantly MAN that I need to be for my wife. She has sacrificed much in her attempt to create a "home" for us and hope she knows this although it may not be expressed or appreciated as it should be. I am very well aware of the sacrifices and work that has gone into our marriage and understand (I do) where it would be percieved as "not appreciated", I mean, what really have I offered in return....not much...a few flowers now and then...a card saying how much I love you...a call... I know better but often become defensive and oppositional in response to her attempts to engage me in deep communication even when deep in my head and heart I know she needs this. Our marriage needs it. I would do much of it over again if I could all the good, bad, everything just to be in her life. I can only hope and pray that the damage done can be forgiven even if it's not all forgotten. I have a long road ahead for changes in myself and marriage and pray that all is not lost. I hope she knows that I absolutely do love her with all of me and wish for us to live our lives out together...happily...and show our boys how to be men, husbands, friends, and lovers of life and relationships. I hope that one day she would love me again and would say that she would do it all over again without hesitation.
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